A $10,000 Bet

We’ve been away for a few weeks, so it’s time for even more pointless analysis of the Iowa caucus and the New Hampshire primary. So let’s go.

The Iowa Caucus

We’ll start by pointing out that former Utah Governor and US Ambassador to China Jon Huntsman skipped Iowa to focus on New Hampshire. Just throwing that out there, so keep this on your mind. We’ll come back to this in a second.

Now, what I want you to do is think of the eight dumbest people you know. Now assume those eight people were allowed to choose one of two people running for president. Now assume they all discuss it together and decide, as a collective, to vote for the same person. That’s essentially what happened in Iowa.

No, wait. That’s actually what happened in Iowa.

Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum were in dead heat for first place until the final votes came in, placing Romney eight votes ahead of the former Pennsylvania Senator. Ron Paul didn’t have a bad showing, coming in third with 21% of the vote, respectable for someone who’s totally batshit insane. Jon Huntsman, the taller, non-Romney Morman moderate alternative, posted 745 votes even though he wasn’t even on the ballot. We have to ask ourselves, who are these 745 people, and are they hoping to get dates with Huntsman’s daughters?

Huntsman’s pull was just a drop in the bucket compared to fourth place Newt Gingrich, who was supported by 16,251 people who are also not very well-liked by current Republican leaders.
Michele Bachmann was forced to suspend her campaign when she came in last of all candidates included on the ballot. But hey, what can you do when the tea party doesn’t have a blubbering blonde patriotic pundit to rally around.

Lost in all this is Texas Governor Rick Perry, which is exactly where he should be.

The New Hampshire Primary

With every major news source currently calling the vote for Mitt Romney, Ron Paul is in a not-nearly-as-close-as-last-time second place.

Jon Huntsman, who threw his entire campaign in New Hampshire, is currently pulling a respectable, but not quite impressive, 17%. Huntsman’s campaign, from our own research, was based on the thought that Republican voters in New Hampshire find his daughters attractive.

Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich are tied for fourth with 10% of the vote each. Gingrich Headquarters is in shambles from Newt Gingrich throwing things around the office, angry that he’s tied with Rick Santorum for anything, even a race to 10 punches in their Subway Sub Club cards (which, by the way, Newt Gingrich had back in July of 2011).

Rick Santorum just finished his post-election remarks. If I may paraphrase: “blah blah blah blah values blah blah family blah America blah SOUTH CAROLINAAAAAA!”

Newt Gingrich just finished giving his post-election remarks. If I may paraphrase again: “blah blah blah turnip truck blah blah something about budget blah blah SOUTH CAROLINAAAAAAA! blah blah Tip O’Neill blah something about congress that happened a billion years ago when I was relevant blah blah SOUTH CAROLINAAAAAAAA!”

Rick Perry, who pulled a Huntsman and skipped this vote to go campaign in the much more southern and less New England-y South Carolina, got 1% of the vote in New Hampshire, which, unless he does well in South Carolina, means he’s probably the next to take the Walk of Cain and leave the race.

Pigasus the Immortal, a dark horse candidate, failed to pull any votes in New Hampshire, and has decided to suspend his campaign and focus on the trough times facing American farmers.

Stay tuned for more coverage right here on Suburban Justice’s 2012 Election Headquarters! 

The Ego

This weekend, while most of us went searching for holiday deals, Mitt Romney made some deals of his own at the debate in Des Moines, Iowa sponsored by ABC News and Yahoo! News.

Romney, in a gratuitous display of wealth, ego, and stupidity, offered Governor Rick Perry a bet. Here’s how it came to be.

Perry accused (how dare he!) Mitt Romney of supporting what’s called the “individual mandate.” This all started back when Romney was the Governor of Massachusetts and passed what has been colloquially referred to as “Romneycare.”

If there’s one thing Republicans can’t get enough of, it’s the “last name + suffix = pejorative term for something that’s actually much more complicated” formula.

Romney then offered Perry ten grand if Perry’s statement about his support of the individual mandate turned out to be true.

As it turns out, it didn’t matter if Perry was right. Romney signed away any hopes of winning the debate with a down payment on a college education.

The Superego

Here’s a quote from Newt Gingrich when he was talking to Fox News last week:

“It’s clear the country is talking to us. And it’s clear that across the country people are saying, you know, I think we need Newt Gingrich because we need somebody who can debate Obama, we need somebody who has actually done it before.”

It’s comforting to hear that Newt Gingrich’s solution to the overwhelming issues facing this country is, in fact, Newt Gingrich.

We don’t want a president who doesn’t have confidence in himself. If he doesn’t have confidence in himself, how is he expected to have confidence in America?

This is just like that time in third grade when I was running for class president and, thinking I’d take the higher road, didn’t vote for myself. I lost by one vote. I should have realized that what my class needed was an eight-year-old with an ego bigger than that big fifth grader that threw 90 mile-an-hour dodgeballs at your head.

So I guess if Gingrich wins the nomination, we had better get used to the look of these bumper stickers:

The Idiot

Rick Perry, when Mitt Romney was offering him $10,000, said he wasn’t a betting man.

If that’s the case, then it would be stupid of me to not ask why his campaign team decided to roll the dice on getting the Evangelical vote while managing to post a video on YouTube that is so despised that it has nearly surpassed Rebecca Black’s “Friday” as the worst video on Al Gore’s internet.

I don’t even know what to say about this. There’s nothing to make fun of, because it’s so atrociously offensive to everyone it possibly could. It’s demeaning to gays, children, the company that made the coat he’s wearing, Americans serving in the military, church pews, schools, Barack Obama, and Christians.

I thought for sure it was going to include the line “Obama’s war on religion which is being coordinated by illegal immigrants and is adding to the national debt.”

I’m actually surprised that wasn’t included.

8:05 - The candidates are sitting quite a way away from the panel. Is this a parole hearing?

8:15 - Some problems that the federal government shouldn’t solve? What kind of question is that? Well, the federal government shouldn’t come over and fix my dishwasher, so that’s a problem they shouldn’t fix.

8:16 - Gingrich, really just suggested a Pell grant for K-12? Let’s pile on debt before our kids can even add. That’s a great idea.

8:17 - Wait, the Head of State doesn’t have the power to influence the United States of America? Isn’t that the whole point of being President? To have the power to do exactly that?

8:19 - Gingrich: “We all stand on [George Washington’s] shoulders.” I bet he’d like some of this health care for his back pain because I can’t imagine Huckabee and Gingrich are easy on the shoulders.

8:21 - We’re not allowed to know who the next candidate is on the show? This is Oprah’s last show all over again.

8:23 - Santorum time!

8:23 - Rick Santorum just plugged his book. Wow.

8:26 - There’s a lot of other stuff going on, in case you didn’t notice, Mr. Santorum. The President has to deal with two wars, an economic crisis, and god knows how much other stuff. I don’t think he has time to wag his fingers at divorced couples. Just saying.

8:28 - I feel like “wholehearted American exceptionalism” is not a phrase in the Declaration of Independence. Thomas Jefferson was a little more eloquent and…um…less rashly nationalistic that.

8:30 - Santorum explains his hypothetical actions like my dad tells a story -  he explains everything else because you won’t get the story unless you know the whole background of what was going on in the six weeks prior to the event.

8:31 - Fox News ticker just said something about George McGovern hitting his head. Sounds like he’s doing okay! Yay!

8:34 - Just realized panelist Ken Cuccinelli is the VA AG. Ha! Looks like a Swedish spelling of Vag.

8:37 - TX Gov. Rick Perry is up!

8:38 - Cuccinelli flaunting his vocabulary. Some more ten dollar words like that and we won’t be in a recession anymore.

8:39 - From what I understand from 10th grade Civics class, Republicans are into moving responsibilities to the state level, but based on what I’ve heard from the last three candidates, Republicans are also into passing a lot of federal laws to stop the federal government from doing things. I have a headache.

8:41 - I’m pretty sure Perry said that the President can create and repeal laws with Executive Orders. Checks and balances, my ass!

8:43 - Huckabee sold a hell of a lot of ad time on this, huh?

8:46 - So all the schools that are failing our children NOW shouldn’t get money from the federal government because the parents are speaking up NOW, right, Governor Perry?

8:48 - The kids CAN pray in school, just not, like, out loud. We don’t have a Constitutional amendment on thinking, but I’m sure if Rick Perry’s elected, that’ll happen soon enough.

8:51 - So Rick Perry, following my previous Republican definition, wants to leave lawmaking to the states until he can pass a Constitutional amendment as head of the federal government.

8:52 - Huckabee to Perry: “Hey, define this word we keep using, because some…um…laymen might not know what that means.”

8:56 - Michele Bachmann and her crazy eyes all up in this studio.

8:57 - “Social engineering playground” sounds like a leisure game from Brave New World.

9:05 - Michele Bachmann would abolish the Department of Education? Explains a lot.

9:07 - Bachmann, five minutes ago: “I’m opposed to the federal EPA.” Bachmann, now: “I’m open to reforming the federal EPA so long as the states can’t agree on saving the environment.”

9:09 - This forum is where all leading questions are born and become tadpoles.

9:10 - I missed the last thirty seconds of Bachmann’s time because I believe she grouped Dred Scott v. Sandford and Roe v. Wade in the same category and I was slamming my head in the front door six or seven times.

9:14 - Ron Paul in the hot seat.

9:15 - Ron Paul has the most reasonable view on terrorism and the Patriot Act of anyone who has ever sat in any seat on the Huckabee show.

9:17 - Paul’s eyebrows attached with Gorilla Glue tonight. No runaways this time!

9:21 - I usually only see Sea-Bond commercials during The Price is Right. Looks like Fox News knows its audience well.

9:26 - Ron Paul: isolationist extraordinaire.

9:29 - Fox News executives just jumped into action to get “Ron Paul’s Book Club” a slot at 4 PM on Wednesdays.

9:30 - Scott Pruitt looks like if the e-Trade baby grew up.

9:31 - I tweeted the “Ron Paul: isolationist extraordinaire” and I’m getting angry @replies from Paul supporters telling me he’s a non-interventionist. Like, a LOT of @replies. Guys, it was a joke. Chill.

9:32 - Last, but not least, Mitt Romney.

9:33 - Romney: “We all like the renewables, but renewables will not power this economy.” Except for the part where we have to hire people to create and renew the renewables and, distribute and sell the renewables, and sale and maitenence of the products that use only renewables…

9:36 - The Federal Teachers’ Union is hurting the schools about as much as Congressional Republicans are helping American Education.

9:38 - Mitt Romney would not appoint Roberto Mendoza to the Supreme Court

9:42 - And that’s the ballgame!

9:45 - Each candidate has a minute to sum up their points as a conclusion to Huckabee’s forum. I have cleverly summed up their minute conclusions.

Short Romney: “You have a choice, so choose me.”

Short Perry: “Strategery.”

Short Paul: “Read the Constitution! Listen to the Founding Fathers! Get the hell off my lawn!”

Short Gingrich: “Fox News is great. You guys did a great job. Oh, and four more years of an Obama presidency is terrible. The people chose wrong back in 2008 but everyone can fix it by voting for me, Newt Gingrich, because you already made a mistake and I’m making you feel guilty, and I know you do feel that way, so to redeem yourself, you should vote for me, Newt Gingri- oh, I only have a minute?”

Short Bachmann: “WHOSE HOUSE? OUR HOUSE! LET’S BEAT THOSE PANTHERS!”

Short Santorum: “I will not surrender the values of this country, and I will not surrender in this race even though I’m the billion-to-one shot.”

9:56 - Huckabee gives the Attorney Generals on the panel a final word. In order, “Constitution,” “Bombed,” and “Good.”

9:58 - There’s the end!

And no one noticed.

Monday, CNN (in conjunction with ORC) released a poll, which included numbers amongst Republicans and Conservative-leaning Independents for November. With Mitt Romney still in the lead with a steady 24% of those polled saying he’s their most likely choice, we’ve seen the political roller coaster known as the “Herman Cain for President” campaign rise and fall more than the empires of ancient times. Sexual harassment claims by four different women against Cain have been kind of a big deal for Conservative voters – 52% say that these accusations are a “serious issue.” While Herman Cain loses his stride, a new candidate has taken over Cain’s place next to Romney: Newt Gingrich. That’s right. Voters are troubled by Cain’s sexual misconduct so they turn to Newt Gingrich.

The same Newt Gingrich who divorced his first wife after having an affair, then married the woman he had the affair with. The same Newt Gingrich who cheated on his second wife with a House Staffer while at the same time heading an investigation into President Clinton’s perjury and obstruction of justice charges during the Lewinsky Scandal. The same Newt Gingrich who then divorced his second wife and married the Staffer he was having the affair with. I’m going to let this all sink in before I start throwing statistics out.

Gingrich has skyrocketed from 8% in October to 22% in November.

Herman Cain has dropped 11% in the same span of time.

Mitt Romney has held steady numbers, only gaining or losing about 2% in the last two months.

Texas Governor Rick Perry entered a freefall since September. You know, the kind of freefall that happens when you’re skydiving and the instructor you’re strapped to says something along the lines of “oops.” In October and November, the percent of those who say that they’d most likely vote for Perry has dropped by half, from 30% in September to 12% in November.

The rest of the pack have pretty much stayed at the bottom, unable to garner support due either being totally crazypants (Michele Bachmann, Ron Paul) or because no one knows who the hell they are (Jon Huntsman, Rick Santorum).

Polls did not ask people whether or not they remember how much of a horn dog Newt Gingrich was. If we had the manpower, Suburban Justice would conduct a poll of our own. Here’s a sample question:

1. As you may know, Herman Cain is the CEO of Godfather Pizza. It has been proven that the quality of pizza one makes reflects how effectively one can run a world power. Please rate how Herman Cain might run the country if elected based on how you perceive the quality of Godfather Pizza.

(a) Awful, just plain awful.

(b) Terrible, but if I had to, I’d deal with it.

(c) It’s like cardboard with a cheesy aftertaste.

(d) I’m drunk, so anything sounds good right about now.

By now we’ve all seen Texas Governor Rick Perry, victim of the crippling inability-to-count-on-one’s-fingers-itis, forget one of three agencies he’d eliminate if elected to office.

And if you haven’t, here’s a video:

Hey, remember back in 2008 when John McCain couldn’t remember how many houses he owned? We all had a hearty gut-laugh about that, didn’t we. Good times, man.

So what do these two GOP Presidential candidates (though I think I might be giving Rick Perry a little bit too much credit on that one) have in common other than never seeing a Count von Count segment on Sesame Street?

They both have supported interesting ideas on how to fix the American education system.

McCain has backed school choice, which opens the doors for parents to send their kids to whatever school they want to send their kids to.

He stated: “I find it beyond hypocritical that many of those who would refuse to allow public school parents to choose their child’s school would never agree to force their own children into a school that did not work or was unsafe. They make another choice. That is a right we should honor for all parents.”

And yet, he decided not to propose any increase in budget for public school funding, but also said that the wildly successful No Child Left Behind Act needed a serious makeover.

Obviously that worked well for him.

Rick Perry, running the perennial “don’t mess with us” state and the frontlines of the ridiculously irrational illegal immigration debate, had the cajones to pass legislature to allow the children of undocumented immigrants to receive resident rates at Texas state colleges.

In remarks made in 2001 to something called the “border summit” (which to me sounds like TexMex-Tibetan fusion cuisine) Perry said, “We must say to every Texas child learning in a Texas classroom, “we don’t care where you come from, but where you are going, and we are going to do everything we can to help you get there.” And that vision must include the children of undocumented workers.”

Woah, who’s the progressive walkin’ into this here saloon, Tex?

Here’s the thing with education, though: it’s a big issue for a lot of parents and young voters, but it’s not going to push a candidate to the top on its own, especially with the economy still recovering from the raging decade-long house party called unregulated banking practices. This is probably why a lot of us never heard about McCain’s positions on education reform in 2008. When parents don’t have jobs, it’s a little hard to send your kid to a private school, and the odds of getting one of those vouchers to attend a charter school is pretty much akin to winning the lottery.